they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
