i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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