apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
