You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
