***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
cat food counts as protein by the way
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
