dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
