she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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