he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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