The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im holly from the hills drunk
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
