i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
