My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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