So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
