I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
