So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
