thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
