Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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