The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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