even my farts smell like vagina
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
