I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
