white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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