your parents love me but you hate me
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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