Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
