Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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