so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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