I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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