She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
