I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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