i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
