I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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