and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
