you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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