your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
