we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
be right there i have to get my cape
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
