maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
