this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
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I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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