Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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