Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
