I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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