Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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