Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
my liver is dry heaving
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
