Jerry, you need to find god
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He passed out mid-signature
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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