I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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