I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
