Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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