the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
