based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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