I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
