you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
