I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
