nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
