my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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