I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
