Life is so much better after having sex.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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