nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
