it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
