I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
